Colour In The Lines

So today, all of the ignorance remaining in the deep southern states of the U.S. migrated up to Canada today, and possesed the body of one unfortunate (white) old man. This man in a line for Tim Hortons fix, begins to order his various items, looks up at the donut racks and pauses for a second the goes. "I'll take some of them coloured tim bits up there" A very rightfull reply from the cashier going. "Sorry?" Mr. Ignorace responds unfazed with. " " I said give me some of those chocolate glazed tim bits."

It was almost like Tim Hortons decided to make some trademark Tim Bits named Nero Glazed, and he was too afraid to afraid that, it would be offencive, so the only other word he could think of to decrive, a brown/black colour , was coloured.

Hopefully he doesn't get to much of that colour all over himself, i heard the klu klux klan doesn't take to kindly to that.


.

Homeward Bound

I JUST CAN'T WAIT
TO GET OUT OF THIS
CITY.

All Asians Say Konichiwa

Who knew that on such a short trip to the local ice cream shop one could be subjected to so many ignorant and intrusive questions. What should have just been a usual "hi, what do you want? Here’s your ice cream, get out of my shop." turned into a marauding of every ignorant question that I hate. I walk in to the opener of "I love your hair." (Fair enough, I do have a solid 7 inches of curly fro on my head) Which then lead to a question that makes me want to kick humanity in the crotch. “How do you make your hair like that, like how do you do to it?" I answered the only way I knew how. "Birth". He did not believe me. Is it possible that this man has not seen enough black people in his entire life to put together the statistic that the default setting of a Negro's hair is curly, just like mine? (I could be over reacting but maybe after hearing this question by enough ignorant people one gets to their wits end). I grabbed my Ice Cream (Heresy’s Oh Henry ice cream, yum!) and walked out to sit on the patio, the moment I sat down almost like a horror movie the Ice Cream Man was right behind me, pondering his next rediculous question. "You're are very tall, you must play basketbal.l" he says as if it were fact. I reply again with the only way I knew how, "No" I told him. But he didn't believe me. (But common fair enough, I mean who was I fooling I had to play basketball. I mean all Germans are Nazis right, every Asian boy works in a sweatshop, and we all know that the Mexicans are friggin' L-A-Z-Y, so i see exactly why me being a basketball star, turned rapper/criminal, with at least 2 illegitimate children, wasn't that much of a stretch.

... So in conclusion I guess today I learned that Ignorance is not bliss
Ignorance is just, well... Ignorance.

A Tropical Storm You'll Want To Miss

Tropic Thunder is possibly the second worst (not) comedy of the year (that is till Disaster Movie hits the big screen). With every passing moment of the film I no longer felt like I was watching a comedy but instead felt that i was watching the funeral of three comedian's careers. With every (unfunny) misfortune that happened to Jack Blacks character, I was only forced to see the irony of his dying career. The only possibly thing that saved this movie at from being a total disgrace to anyone who ever fought in the Vietnam War, was Ben Stiller’s typical slapstick character. (Which I must admit were some of the only laughs I had) Looking like a superstar comedian Ben Stiller was the only thing that kept this movie bearable.

I warn everyone to take cover before the Tropic Thunder(storm) does strike, and stay out of the way of Jack Black’s funeral procession.

The Curse of the Cursed stand up comedian.

Awesome, two shows in a row which have only out done each other for the worst shows ever. I shall tell you about them now. Sorry it will be long but a promised good read. (I think)

August 9th 2008
it’s overcast Saturday afternoon, I’m on my way to a small farm in the outermost regions of Ottawa to a festival know to a very small community of people as "Burnfest". To do a 20 minute set to a crowd of 60 or so. As I arrive I am informed that an invisible children video is to be played followed by me. Now invisible children is a 55 minuet tear jerker of a documentary about children soldiers in Uganda who were kidnapped and forced into war, not a single joke in that video, so naturally not the best opener for a comic about to go on stage. So the video is coming to a close, I grab my water bottle and look into the crowd and there is not a single "dry eye" in the audience, which usually is a good expression but definitely not now. So I go up first 4-5 jokes have no response from a "deer in the headlights looking audience". Sweat is starting to build in my forehead, so I decide to kill the tyrannosaurus rex in the room by saying. “If you don't laugh at my jokes I will turn each and every one of you into child soldiers" (false) from then on it was smooth sailing. In reality I just said some little comment making fun of myself and a few more jokes and it turned into a pretty decent show. I was only left to think that I have fought through the worst show I will ever have.

August 16th 2008
(Worst show I will ever have)
...this is an excerpt from an email I sent, way too long to type again,
...we went to the beach that my show was at. It was a beach volleyball tournament, with a concert tent set up, where some bands were playing, and I was to perform. So basically 3 min after I arrive I get called to the stage. (Which was 30 min earlier than I expected) I get on stage and there is about 30-40 people scattered around sitting on the grass eating lunch. The problem I noticed first was that the tent had one open side, which was showing about 4 simultaneous games going on, that wasn't only distracting me but also my audience. So about 2 min, into my set that is already off to a rough but not terrible start, a lady walks up stands right in front of me and stops me mid joke, to ask me to hold the mic closer and talk louder so she can hear me from outside of the tent (instead of the much simpler and much less rude method of just joining the audience) So now with me trying to recover and (re)grab the attention of my audience, things look like they were about to turn for the better and actually make this a decent show, when all of a sudden my mic shut off(mid joke), and the sound man turns on his own mic and goes, I just have to make an announcement. He proceeds to start babbling about some volleyball score, and some other mundane crap that I’m positive could have waited till later. Now with me assured that this couldn't get any worse (mostly because I didn't think it was humanly possible) I was ready to get the show on the road. (literally/figuratively) About 4 min later an air horn goes off just outside the tent, then almost on command half my audience stands up and walks away. (I later find out that siren was to announce the start of a new game and not officially announce my bombing of the show) Stunned at what has just happened I plod through and try to stay on course, again with it looking like it was going to pick up a new batch of volleyball players bearing meals and distraction, fumble up to the tent and sit at the front. By this time 25 min of absolute hell (I’m sure that is what hell is like, and I’m just as scared of it as I was before) I say thanks for listening (half heartedly) and leave. I went and said my thanks to the organizer and left right away, frustrated and unwilling to talk to anyone. That was the worst so I will ever have (hopefully)
FIN.

The Mist(ake)

Never in my life have i seen a group so idiotic, and so irrational till i viewed the movie The Mist. The characters are all right at par with the director, writer, producer, and even the camera man can get in on this, and that is insanely retarded. There must have been something in the air (pun intended) in the writers room that day in Darkwoods Productions, that took over there bodies and made them decide to take a Steven King novel (a best seller one can only assume) and rape it (prison style) with a B movie.

COMEDY: /ˈkɒmɪdi/[kom-i-dee] noun, plural -dies.
1. THE MIST

The Mist = comedy for i cannot see it any other way. With the characters constant overreactions at every danger, where they would suddenly lose a massive amount of brains cell that would shut off natural reactions, such as running, or for that matter simple blocking,or ducking and instead left the characters with only with the ability to stand still and scream at danger until death for came them. With characters so annoying that i began to become jealous that "the mist" was the one that got to kill them instead of I. I prayed for an ending

(MOVIE ENDING SPOILER COMING UP SO IF PLANNING ON VIEW THIS TRASH BIN OF A MOVIE AND ACTUALLY CARING DON'T FINISH READING THIS... )

that came with a bang (again pun intended) the main character decided it was best to euthanize everyone in the car trying to escape (including his son) when all hope looked lost, where if he spent a moment thinking about anything he would have seen that the military had just arrived to clear the mist. LAME.

I rate this movie two thumbs up Steven Kings ass, sorry about the rape buddy.

HEAD, and Shoulders, Knees and toes...

...So I’ve been doing some travelling the past few weeks. Well by travelling I mean my broke ass version of travelling. (by car and pitching in for gas.) I went to wonderland two weekends ago with a few of my best friends that was a really good time.
I got the rare pleasure of seeing a seagull get anialated by a ride, definitely one of the top 10 best things I’ve ever seen. (Seriously)

For this weekend I went back to Toronto to go look for a place to live, I saw some pretty good rats nest, one of which was in the basement of an old movie studio (litterally) which I think must have just finished shooting a scene of a suppressed kidnapped victim forced to live in this unlit hell hole that would eventually infest him with scurvy... or it was just the unlit hell hole of a suppressed middle age man forced to live with his one cat, no visible sign of electricity for $1115 a month plus utilities, or else suffer the rath of living proper clean and sanitary life free of disease, with the slight chance of gaining a girlfriend.

I got to see some of my friends, and downtown Toronto which was a nice reunion.
But best part of all is tomorrow I am off to Montreal to see Radiohead, pretty excited I’ve been waiting a good four years for them to go on tour. No free drive this time however I will be taking the GREYHOUND, hope to come back in one piece. (Pun intended)

17 reasons why i hate girls under 18

I have noticed that there is a plague that strikes any girl under the age of 18 and its public intoxication. Not just your average case of public intoxication, but the most obnoxious and socially fatal amounts of intoxication. These girls travel in packs, usually in threes and even the smallest whiff of vodka turns them into monsters of the night, turning a usual peaceful bus ride into one of misery and suicidal tendencies . Same thing happens every time, these make up layered, glitter gleaming, short skirt, cleavage bearing, eye soars (unless you are a pedophile of course) enter the bus with their war/mating call of "woooooooooo"(usually in a high pitch satanic frequency) bearing their weapons of cleverly disguised clear water bottles filled with a not so clear liquid.
Very much similar to if a group of black bears were to board the bus you cannot make eye contact with them, or else you will be fatally mauled and subjected to and endless marauding of mildly intrusive and flirtatious comments.
(LATEST REAL LIFE COMMENT)
"...oh so you worked at American apparel so that means you can help me take off this dress and put it back on a whole bunch of different ways" - desperate underage girl at bus stop

Heaven forbid the camera comes out, and they think you are a worthy candidate for a photo with them, just pray you are sitting next to an emergency exit and that you are next to soft grass.

So screw you, you miley cyrus listening, vodka drinking demons of Saturday nights. (But not literally, again unless you are a pedophile and maybe enough of them might keep some of the sisterhood of the travelling miniskirts away from public transit.) one can only hope.

No Brainer No Gainer

so i've had nothing to write about the past few days sorry to any one that looks at this blog on a regular basis, which i am positive is no one, but wishful thinking never killed anyone. (well maybe a few cancer patients).

On a less offensive note i saw the new batman movie today, it was grand. i recomend it to everyone, of all races.

quote of the day "...It's not his fault he's just smoked so much weed and done so much acid that he is brain dead now, so it's not his fault." - idiot on bus.

Stittsville Stoners vs. The Police Department.

Today i (potentaly speaking) could have seen the death of my bus driver. On the same stretch of road as mentioned in my most previous blog, A large cement block twice the size of my fist ( i suspect shot from a slig shot) blew through the bus drivers side window. Powdering the left side of his face with glass, the cement chunk smashed into his chest breaking three ribs, still with enough force remaining to fly into the bus door. I know for certain if that rock had flown 3-4 inches higher he would have been dead. I think This bus driver should be awarded a medal for controlling that bus to a safe stop on the side of the road, or it could have been much worse. After rushing to the front of the bus to check on the bus driver, anger filled my head at the thought of these mentaly ill disgcraces to the human race probably celebrating there sucesful assult somewhere off in the treeline.

After waiting around few minuets (10-15) our cities loyal men (this case women) in blue come rolling over to the bus to take our statements, and infomed us that this just happend an hour and a half ago to another bus driver. After collecting the cement block for "evidence" they made it on thier way. Most likely to feast on coffee and doughunts, and to ponder thier ill attempts at doing anything leaving the Stittsville Stoners the opportunity to strike again (litteraly), (and believe me they will.)
This is when my second thought of rage came. How can we expect our same Police Force to tackle cases like rape and murder if that can't catch possibly the most consistant criminals on earth? (Same two hour time frame, two to three times a week, not to mention twice in one night, same exact spot on the bus route.) Like seriously where is Dave Caruso when you need him, and i mean the actor, because let's be realistic he's probably has received better training in crime scene investigations than the OPP. But hey who knows maybe when someone one on that bus route dies the police will shuffle through thier no paper work and find the time to investigate, if we are lucky.

Dear Stittsville Stoners
Please invest yourselves into Crystal Meth or suicidal thoughts, anything that will take you from this earth faster and give us sane human beings a few extra molecules of fresh oxygen to breathe, thank you
Love D.

At this point i can't even decide who i hate more.

s.s vs tpd

Halo Vs.The Stittsville Stoners

Ok so picture 45 minutes away from any major city's downtown (driving) or wherever the farmers fields increase and the bus routes decrese, that is Stittsville. This is where i live. One day last week i was about an hour into my hour and fifteen minute bus ride, when the moon shifted a little too close to the earth a sucked a few of the remaining genomes out of these two kids. Which in turn possesed them to throw a very large rock at the bus drivers window. Unfortunatly the neuron that gives you the ability to aim was left intact and a large rock smashed the window and sent glass everywhere. The first words from a quite disheveled man after the glass settles is "Come on man i just want to go home and play Halo." but i supose his wish was not granted, as another rock struck the bus a moment later. The bus then pulled over to wait for police and i watch how this incident then changed everyone on the bus. Suddenly acting as if everyone has known each other for years and instantly became good friends. We all waited for the police to come, telling jokes and laughing. (This apparently has happened 4 times already) Moral of the story is, you can break tension with a rock, so next time you are at a party and you don't know anyone there, throw a rock through the window everyone will be sure to talk to you. It seems everyone went home happy to Halo and new friends that night.
Till next time, thank you Stittsville Stoners, i now see that you were only trying to help.

Vodka For breakfast

Today... hmm well i guess i woke up.. (typical for most mornings) i ate breakfast, had some eggs and a smoothie. (not gay) I then showered and got ready for a photoshoot with Will Fournier, seriously an awesome guy. After that was finished i raced down for a less glamorous photoshoot at the Ministry of Health to get my health card renewed, but apparently my old health card does not sufice as proper I.D. (Irony?) So i got rejected and now must simply fish out a letter that has my name and address on it, and a piece of paper with my name and signature,which i do feel some sort of terrorist or master of fraud could piece together. ( this blog is bland and uninteresting i know) i then met up with a Friend of mine and went to starbucks and got a very lame (but good tasting) go green power type drink. it was called a umm... actually i won't even bother just look for the stupid poster with an even more complicated and harder to remeber name than usual. Anyways events transpired from there, i lurked people doing yoga, got hit by a bus, did some cocaine you know average day things, then went over to my other friends and watched Snatch, (which i recomend for fans of British mumblings), Good Movie.

The end.
(i'll try to think of something better for tommrow)

I scream you scream we all pay for ice cream

I think it might be too early to write a blog, I think I read somewhere that blogging is like drinking, do it too early and you’re an addict, or something. I'm just not sure if I’ll get to it later so why not do it now? Today was a good accidental family day, it started off with me trying to fix my parents computer, failing, and with that much time already invested in family matters I figured "hey lets hang out". The majority of the day was spent with them, until the big pay off Dairy Queen! Small drive later I arrive to a critically overstaffed Dairy Queen Army. (defintly breaking some sort of fire code,) After a brief stand off my Dad works up the courage to step up to this Hot Eats militia, to order his Cool treats. After placing his and my sister’s order, he swiftly slips out his Gold plated visa (apparently a public sign that one has good credit ratings) and paid. Now realizing that ice cream no longer comes free in my branch of the Woodrow tree, I muster through my wallet for my humble Td emerald (which in reality should trump gold) Visa card, and paid for my blizzard. In the time it took for the cashier to process the transaction (much longer than it should of) I came up with a theory, that my father has read up on his psychology, and unconsciously decided this as his form of negative punishment for my failed efforts at fixing the computer. (B.F. Skinner) or maybe the Dairy Queen's Knights in shining red uniforms had threatened him and he was so scared that he completely forgot about me. Either way this seems to have some sort of lasting effect on me for the time being. (Sigmund Freud)

First post?

Umm... alright so i'm counting this as my first post, here we come blogging land.

Alright i'm not sure how to actually start a blog. Umm... probably wasn't the best way.
Actually i don't really even know what a blog is. I think it's my inner thoughts put on display for friends, family, and faceless late night gypsys of the web that might bore themselves to my page? (?)

ok i know what to do i'll place myslef some ground rules.
1. i promise to have spelling mistakes, because i was improperly schooled as a child (future blog)
2. improper punctuation (same reason as above)
3. an occasional joke
4.definte rants.
5.i said spelling mistakes right?
6. and some of that wit that you can find hidden in rule number 5. (and hey maybe even in this one)
7. i will never use a thesaurus (for the weak)

it's strange this feeling i have. i kind of think i like blogging?!

Daniel has a what?

...Yes so i have a blog. I think i've probably said something along the lines of "i will never have a blog".. . "blogs are gay"... "Blogging is for crazies" but here i am, Daniel(the hopefully witty blog writting hypocrite)Woodrow.